4.02.2009

A guide to smoking

I've noticed a couple of people try to take a drag of a cigarette for the first time and not actually figure out how to do it without coughing. I thought I'd write a guide.

First:

Place the cigarette between your lips, and establish an airtight seal around the cylinder.

Second:

Hold a portable source of flame in your dominant hand, activate the flame if nessisary.

Third:

Close your mouth completely. Your mouth should contain no air. Clench your jaw, it'll happen. Breathe through your nose. Then,

Fourth:

Next, with the flame touching the far end of the cigarette, slowly open the mouth while keeping the seal around the cigarette and also keeping the tongue at the bottom of the mouth. A vacuum created by the new space you created in your mouth will draw air and burning plant particles into the space inside your mouth.

Fifth:

Exhale completely.

Sixth:

Relax your seal on the cigarette and take a breath of fresh air. Inhale completely (beginners may find it easier to inhale through the nose rather than the mouth, the mixture of the smoke with humidified air from the nose is less irritating to the airway). The smoke contained in your mouth will travel into your lungs. If you don't take a deep enough breath you'll expose your sensitive bronchii to extremely high temperatures, so it's best to speed the flaming pieces of plant matter on their way to the alveoli of your lungs. With membranes one cell layer thick there probably aren't many nerves hanging around to relay signals through.

Seventh:

Hold your breath. The increased pressure in your lungs will ensure that the desired agent (nicotine) will get driven through that cell-thick layer that much quicker (along with all of the other colorful by products of setting plants on fire). Hold your breath for as long as comfortable to maximize effect.

Eighth:

Exhale as desired.

2 comments:

Chris said...

I think you're missing a step--say, "fifth." This isn't academic, as I'm one of those who has tried and apparently failed to inhale. I've burned the back of my throat on several occasions, but don't seem to be able to get any effects from inhaling, so I think I must not be doing it right. A little embarrassing actually...

PM, RN said...

Hah. I forgot to add in that it's easier to inhale through the nose rather than the mouth around that step, the air you inhale from your nose is more humid so that helps lessen the airway irritation.