1.06.2009

so tired...

It's not the first time it's occurred to me...but now that you're all gone, this place has turned into exactly the kind of thing you would have enjoyed. The coffee shop is streaming all the music we used to listen to together over the internet. The recording studio I just came back from was decorated in a fashion I think you would have particularly liked. The bands playing at the bar are ones you would have wanted to see.

The band I just recorded with is called "Gone for Good", and the significance isn't lost on me. I'll post a track later, if I can get away with it.

The people here now are people you would have liked, people you would have had a lot to talk about with, people who remind me of you more often than I would like.

I suppose I'm usually only this maudlin when I haven't slept. Then again, when I'm deprived of sleep is when I'm usually the most creative. Of course, when I haven't slept I can't help but think of you.

So it is with the movies, books and music that the people around here enthusiastically try to share with me. They elicit only cold stares and hurried changes of subject. Without you to share them with each one is a pointed insult, unintentional though it might be.

Of course, this is the part where I start talking about what a great Nurse I'm becoming, so you can point at that and say "see, this had to happen so you could get where you are now". That's crap, of course. A cop-out. I was on my way here with or without you. Getting my license, an extremely well-paying job and the respect of my peers, superiors and subordinates (well, most of them anyway) was inevitable. I never doubted it for a moment, not since the first time I set foot on a med/surg unit. I guess we just weren't prepared for the changes that would set in motion.

Like so many other people who do this job well, I'll work, and work, and work, until I expire. Maybe in lieu of a family I'll have a class of nursing students someday, something to leave behind.

Of course, I still think there's a better than 50% chance advances in technology will extend our lifespans indefinitely. Wouldn't that be something.

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