6.05.2008

Insomnia

Most of the time my sleeplessness is perfectly purposeless. It usually happens when I'm not working or going to school, first I stay up later and wake up later, and then I miss a night or two of sleep all together. These are usually the only times I get anything done in the morning, but my sleep-deprived mind is in no shape to sort out what's happening.

I just haven't been able to make myself go to sleep lately. Maybe the recent lifestyle changes have had something to do with it, but it's just like it's always been...there's a sense of having to keep watch for something, needing to stay alert for something vitally important that never occurs. What, I can't say, but I'm awake still, so I don't miss it.

Oh, how I miss it.

Sleeplessness today has served two very unusual purposes. The first was to drive my sister to her high school, which promptly called me at home demanding to know where she was. I told the school that I just dropped her off. They told me to hang on a moment, and after a pregnant pause came back on the line and told me that she was, in fact, there.

The second was to drive my dad to the emergency room. Abdominal pain/cramping, liquid stools and general malaise x3 days, Hx of rectal CA, s/p resection. We both have an unhealthy habit of waiting until things get even worse before getting help, fortunately he called his gastroenterologist and he told him to go.

It's funny, I remember making that same drive with our seats reversed, the one time I had to go to a hospital, maybe a little less than 20 years ago. I was having an asthma attack, probably the worst one I ever had. By the time I got into the ED and before I even had a chance to suck down a DuoNeb, it was over and I pinked right up.

Hopefully I find a job soon, this whole unemployment deal gives me too much time to worry, irritate other people and upset myself. I have another interview at our state university's health center. It's an hour away and part-time, but It's an interview and I can't very well turn it down.

This whole stay up till noon and wake up in the evening thing is actually well-suited for the schedules at most of the places I'd work, it's just the staying up for 40-50 hours and then sleeping 16 that's really not good for me.

Can't help it, though...my mind's in a far away place, and it's struggle against unconsciousness is just a natural reaction to lost and broken connections. Blah.

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