Disheartening day / Different audience

Just got back from clinicals. Official post will follow tomorrow.

Today sucked. Yesterday was alright. It's the meds. I had this friggin' down last semester and the semester before that. I'm starting to wonder if trading my day shifts with a preceptor for night shifts with an instructor was a good idea (even with an amazing instructor).

I feel like I'm starting all over again. It's all about the organization. I'm making newbie mistakes left and right. Someone else in my cohort has had a similar experience, where one mistake snowballs into not getting anything done right. That's been both of my med passes so far. The instructor doesn't even bother asking me the pharmokinetics of the meds i'm passing, she knows (i think) that I already know them backwards and forwards. If she asked me what diovan or metoprolol or toradol or ceftriaxone or sucralfate or prinovil or pepcid -DO-, I could rattle off exactly what it does down to the cellular level. So far, she hasn't asked.

Getting them all adminsitered in an orderly matter has been beyond me these past two med-pours. I hate to blame it on the transition from having a preceptor to not having a preceptor, but that's definitely part of it. The other part is how my mental processes suddenly shit themselves when I have to simultaneously think independantly and take instruction. I ran into this two semesters ago, and I imagine i'll run into it again once I'm on Orientation at a facility as an RN (if i make it that far).

I think I'm running into a limit of my mental capacity that's bound by my nutrition. Both of these experiences have taken place under circumstances of nutritional deficit. This is the organization thing again. I recognized it last time, but didn't address it this time. Most of the things I do in a day I can do without having eaten, but not this. I have to take better care of myself. I think I'm just encountering tasks that require me to function normally, and I'm not used to that requirement. I only have 6 weeks left, not much time to get comfortable in the role of independent practitioner.

I'm sure the rest of my cohort thinks I look down on them, but I really do look up to them. I try to pry and agitate at the edges of where they silently tell me they could improve, and there's this overwhelming sense where if they could just give me what they have and I could give them what I have, we'd all be unstoppable.

It would be ironic if I ended up being good for nothing but Teaching. My ambition is to acquire a level of skill that I'm far, far away from...but I'm really good at sharing understanding, and breaking complex concepts down into easy to digest packets. I keep jumping ahead. I enjoy teaching, but I enjoy our work in our clinical practicum even more, so it disturbs me that I'm screwing it up. No matter what I do, I imagine I'll end up teaching in addition to Practicing as a nurse. The field could use some Male teachers, anyway, and some of our faculty are modeling success at teaching while practicing.

I have a lot of affection for our faculty members and my fellow students, every person, no matter how different from me they are, no matter how alien they seem, have something to show me that I deeply cherish. I think I sometimes show it in the wrong way...there's one other male in my cohort who's name starts with F that I called F-Bomb a couple of times. I thought it was clever, but he wasn't amused. With the rest it's mostly challenges to their habitual way of thought that strike me as ways to converge our two ways of thinking. Not always successful. Seems to be more successful when I tone it down a bit.

Less caffeine, more nutrition. That's what I gotta do. When these people see me, they see someone starved, crazy, and looking for a fight. Someone putting blocks together while they're consolidating complex structures. At the same time, I have many pieces to puzzles they're missing. Is it my fate to be the mad mystic? The socially isolated shaman?

I'll settle for having a job,

and I couldn't imagine better people to work beside.

No comments: